


An Untitled Love Letter

by totesoak



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Bridgerton, Confusion, I wrote this at 1am, Inspired by a Mitski Song, LGBTQ Character, Love Letters, Original Character(s), Romantic Angst, Self-Destruction, Wait For Me, god i just want to feel loved lol, inspired LOL, its mostly based off of mitski songs, just a big old what the fuck, kinda uh, okay its not actually unrequited, the reciprocate of the letter loves them back obviously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:53:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28830726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/totesoak/pseuds/totesoak
Summary: The sun, much like most beautiful things, burns.Basically just a big old dump of emotions that I pretend aren’t mine and are actually some original characters:)
Kudos: 1





	An Untitled Love Letter

**Author's Note:**

> just to preface, i wrote this at 1am while crying to retired from sad, new career in business so!!! its a very, very rough one shot

Dearest, 

I cannot tell whether your absence brings me pain or strength. In some ways, things feel better. Days move on, I would have soon forgotten you in the perfect world. Although some days the missing of you leaves an ache in my ribs so dire that I cannot bring myself to get out of bed. You are coming home though. And though I should feel happy, I am scared.

I am not scared to admit that. It feels like the world is coming to an end. Is this supposed to be a fresh start? It is hard to forget our history; even though it would be best if I could. 

I wait until my mother is away to scream at the top of my lungs how much I love, how much I yearn, and how much I hurt. All because of you. Your life is so complete. How would I ever fit into it? Everything has it’s place in your home, your heart, your head. Your lantern sits in the same spot on your bedside all day and night. Would I be left to the same fate? To sit, waiting for your return, day after day, just waiting for you to love me the way I love you. 

Isn’t it painful how we all yearn for the things that will hurt us the most? 

Maybe you could’ve been everything I had ever asked for. We could’ve gone to picnics together. Watching as the geese swim in the pond, eating the scones I’d prepared in advance. Tangling our hands together as we lay beside eachother each night. Embracing one another when we hurt. Grow old. Sit watching the sunset until the earth is bathed in darkness and only illuminated by the soft glow of the moon. Wouldn’t that be lovely? I do not know what I want though. The idealics have always sounded best. But then again, they are simply that. Idealics. That is not the reality of love, my dear.

Real love hurts. And it shouldn’t. Am I truly in love with you? Is ones heart supposed to burn this badly when they lay in bed at night, thinking of you? 

It’s shameful how you make my head run in circles. I am so angry at you, and yet I cannot help but love you. You are so real. So human, so flawed. It’s beautiful. Do you think me the same? Do I make your heart skip a beat when you think of me? 

I don’t think I do. You do not look at me that way. I look at you, my eyes like saucers, and you turn away. Do I frighten you? I do not mean to, if that is the case. I simply feel so deeply. Trust me, I do not wish to. The feeling only burns me. 

I speak so harshy of feeling deeply as if it is all bad, which it isn’t. 

When I am happy, I am so happy. And when I am in love, I am so in love.

It is awe-consuming how lovely it all feels at times. When the ache dies down, and all I am left with is ash of what once was. All I am left to feel is bliss. The bliss that the hurt is over and I am once again made to be happy. 

I wish to dance and shout and spin and sing and bake and paint and cheer and stomp. I wish to do everything that makes me happy. I wish to jump in rainy puddles, although my mother would frown at the way my new dress becomes soaked at it’s hem. 

She’s been asking after you. Saying I reek havic among my home without you to keep me in check. She says it as though the curtains catch fire as soon as I enter a room. As if my apparition electrifys an entire room, leaving others with a shock creeping its way through their toes and up their spines until it enters their brains and makes them just like me; electrifying. I do not think I would act any different if you were around, though. You bring out a different side of me, I think. One that is tripled. One that is more passionate, more open, even more electricfying than it once was. 

Your return mocks me. I do not wish for a fresh start. I know I am hypocritical. It is not what I wish to succeed. It is simply that I do not know what it is I long for.

Do I long for the hurt you cause me? The pain that makes me feel alive. The one that reminds me I am human. So, so human. More human than you even. 

Or do I long for us? Loving one another, wholely. Without a doubt nor care in the world. Neither of us feeling the ache. Going by day by day in the way you are supposed to experience the feeling of love. Safely and without the egg shells it curses us with. 

Sometimes I question whether I am in love with you or the damage you have brought me. 

As much as I long to love you wholely, I know in truth that I never will be able to. 

You wish the same, I know. But you are ready, and I am not. Many things have happened to bring us to this point. You have seen the type of love that is feathery and everything sweet. I have seem the one that burns. We are opposites in this way. 

I write to tell you everything. I also write to tell you I cannot bare to be in a place where my heart yearns for something that I cannot give it. 

It seems that I am sabotaging myself most times with loving you. 

You will never truly know how madly I am in love with you. How terribly plauged my head is with thoughts of you.

I want you; and I am okay with that being all it ever will be. Want. 

, Yours.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this, great! This is based off of how I experience love. And how no matter how badly I long for something, I will never really allow myself to have it.
> 
> I am in therapy do not worry


End file.
